Trials

Now, I am not writing this post for your pity. I am writing it because I feel like I need to share. Last April, almost a year ago today, we lost our first baby. Many of you knew about this. We had just announced it a week before, and then to lose what we want so much was hard.

You might be wondering why I am bring this up. Well, we have lost two more. It is hard to share something that is so very personal and emotional for us. This righteous desire that we have for some reason isn't happening. After three miscarriages, I am very high risk for more. I think that is what has made it even harder.

All three were lost at different times, 14.5 weeks, 6 weeks, and 9.5 weeks. The last one was in January. Brandon and I have been on an emotional roller coaster for a year. My trip to Washington was planned very shortly after the last one. He never told me this, but I think he wanted me to go right away was to get away from all that I was going through, and to be with my mom. I am the type of person that when I am sick or really sad, I just want my mom to hug me. He knows that and sent me to her. I love that man so much more everyday.

I was tested at length for all sorts of things. I don't even know what they all were. They came back and told me to take lots of extra folic acid a day and a baby aspirin. I never asked why. After the second, my wonderful doctor put me on progesterone at the highest level I can take.

For a long time, I didn't talk about it. I was bitter. I was angry. I was also confused. With Austin, we had absolutely no problems conceiving him and there was no complications (other than his birth). Now, this time, I can't seem to stay pregnant.

I was to a point where I hated hearing from friends that they were pregnant. I hated going to baby showers. I didn't even want to hold someone's baby for them, which I have always loved.

Then, General Conference came. I was listening to it Sunday morning when the first talk was from President Uchtdorf. This talk struck me to the core. I was grateful that Austin and Brandon were downstairs watching. I had tears streaming down my face. I felt like I was the only person that was listening to that talk, that it was just for me. Everything he said applied to me at that moment. I was in tremendous grief, and I thought I was fine. However, while listening to the talk I realized how much I had been fooling myself. I felt like my world was falling apart.

After listening to this talk, I reflected again and again on it over the next few days. I had taken notes on it and I just kept adding. After a few days, I made a resolution that I would focus on what I am grateful for and about instead of what I am lacking.

My whole attitude changed. Yes, I still am saddened by the miscarriages, but I am ever more grateful for the sweet, loving boy that we do have. I am even grateful for this trial that we are experiencing together. I am grateful for how strong it has made me, for my sense of compassion for others has increased. I never really understood what those couples that face infertility feel until this year came. I am grateful for my husband, who even though it has been hard on, has stuck with me and still loves me. I am grateful for those pregnancies, even though they didn't last. I am grateful I was able to be their mom for a little bit. I am grateful that I have ultrasound pictures of the first and the last one to hold on to, and look at when I am ready. I am grateful for the gospel in my life, and the knowledge that I have about life after death. I am grateful that this talk was shared when it was.

Life throws us curve balls, some bigger than others. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that everything has a plan, purpose, and reason. We may not understand it yet.

Here is the talk that was given:

To learn more about my beliefs click here.

March 2014

Well, March just flew by! Here are some things that we have been up to.

Brandon really wanted a pie and they were on sale. Therefore, an apple pie was brought home. I had it placed on the counter, as far back as it could go. I came downstairs after getting ready to find this stinker had gotten it and a fork. He had eaten quiet a bit!

It has been fairly warm here, so we decided to go sit outside one day and play. Austin asked me to take his picture. I didn't pose him at all for these.

A few days later we went on a walk to a neighborhood park. Austin just loves going to the park.

Wearing his backpack and being a zombie. Where did this kid come from!?!

One of Austin's friends had a birthday party at Jungle Jim's. It is like an indoor amusement park for little kids. It was crazy! There were so many people there, but Austin had a blast.

It took a long time to convince him to go on the carousel, he said he loved it after!

The first time he didn't know how to make his rocket go up and down, the next time around he was a pro.

This one was like teacups. He didn't want to get off. 

We also got slrupees and donuts one day with Dad. First slurpee was a success!

Austin's Bed

We decided that we wanted to make Austin a loft bed for his room. I pictured something like this: http://www.hotnick.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Loft-Bed-Patterns-1.jpg

However, that is not what Brandon had in mind. We started working on this in September. Yes, you read that right, SEPTEMBER! Brandon wanted no help from me designing it and came up with this idea all on his own. He cut all the wood and then I had the lovely job of sanding it all, pre-staining, staining, and finishing all the pieces. I was a little bitter by the end over all of it.

He started to build it in November. He got the main part of it built. The process:

The ladder all put together

Attaching the head pieces

Austin wanted to play in the pack n' play for a bit, this was totally fine for us!

Upright

Almost done

Dad decided to test it out

Break time. Do you like where the dog is? He loves Brandon a bit too much!

Instead of just having me sand the slats, Brandon decided to enclose them with plywood

Austin was very bored by now

Climbing up, all it needs is a railing

Now, that was all done in one day! Yippee!!! However, since there was no railing, Austin wasn't able to sleep up there. His toddler mattress went under the bed for his sleeping area, and then it stayed there.

Now, this bad was great and all, but Austin had a hard time climbing the ladder and then getting up on top. Also, I thought it was a tad bit wobbly. Fastward to February. Brandon decided that he wanted to build the bed in a completely different way, mind you, it was all together! I was a bit annoyed. I thought that we would have to start all over with the wood, buy a few new pieces and then build it.

Brandon decided he wanted to anchor it into the wall. He was able to use many of the pieces we already had, cutting off the parts that had large holes to make the bed. Here is what he built:

Now, there are a few things that I will have to stain in the room, but I am hopeful it won't be too bad. The only trouble I see is that leg. We still need a ladder but we aren't sure how it is going to be put on. For now, we just have to put Austin up there. He loves it because he can push the mattress about 5 inches from the wall and sleep in there.

Nickelcade, counting, and bike riding

During this month we have done some pretty fun things. We went to the Nickelcade, watched the Olympics, and Austin rode his bike. Even though it is February, there isn't a ton of snow so Austin could ride both of his bikes.

Trip to Washington

The way we decided to use our tax return was pay off any debts, buy a new laptop, send me and Austin to see my family, and then save the rest. Austin and I were so excited to see my parents. None of us had been to see my family since the Christmas of 2012. Needless to say, it had been a long time.

The night before we headed to the airport Brandon was still up at 1:30. He noticed that my flight was cancelled. Joyful!! I had been looking forward to this trip and now I had to reschedule my flight. Brandon was so sweet to do so for me. The only problem was that my flight was direct, and to get a direct flight we wouldn't get in until 10 pm. That was not an option! Therefore, we had to fly to Denver to Portland. FUN! (not!)

To get to the airport, we thought it would be fun for Austin to take the train. It would also be much easier for Brandon because he wouldn't have a ton of time to make it back home from the airport to get ready for work with the new flight. We had to leave at like 5:30 to get to the train. Even though it was early, Austin was in heaven and such a happy camper. While we waited for the train, this sweet older sister missionary sat down and started talking to Austin. He told her all about our trip and who he was going to see. I am grateful to live in a place that has such nice people around that early. We had to transfer to TRAX but that was so easy. Austin was such a great travel buddy, he was so happy.

Once we were on the airplane, all Austin did was smile.

I promise that is a smile, it is his "cheese" face

By the second flight, Austin was so tired. He feel asleep before we left the ground, and he woke up right before we touched down. I know that most moms would love it, and I did a bit, but it was also boring. I was planning to entertain Austin the whole time so I had nothing for myself. Not even a pencil or pen that I could get to easily.

While in Washington, we played with cousins, went to Aunt Amy's ice cream shop, shopping, and just hung out. Austin absolutely loved spending time with Oreo, my parent's dog. Oreo wasn't so sure of him half the time. Once he was down on the floor, Oreo would attack him by licking his face (and by doing something else but that is just gross)

Austin and Grandpa had fun wrestling and playing.

Austin and Grandma reading

Ice cream that Auntie Amy made just for him! Strawberry with marshmallows

His Great Grandma

Taking a ride with Great Grandma in her chair.

I wish that we could have stayed longer but I had to be back for church on Sunday. On the flight home, Austin fell asleep right after take off. It was really nice because before I felt bad if Austin kicked the guy next to us in his sleep but this flight was pretty much empty. We were able to have a whole row to ourselves. He was able to stretch out and sleep. It only lasted an hour, which was great because then I had something to do.

The Farm with the Taylor's

We love going to Wheeler Farm. It is so nice to go and let Austin see the animals up close, maybe get to pet them, for free! Yes, we have to pay a few dollars for the wagon ride but that is still better than paying $40+ to go to the zoo altogether. This time we met our wonderful friends, the Taylor's. We met them at the mall, Austin got new Lego's and Mariel got a new stuffed animal from Build-A-Bear. After, we headed to the farm.

Austin and Mariel are so cute with each other. They would walk around holding hands. We have this joke, maybe not so much a joke, that they are betrothed to each other.

After all the hard playing they did, at the farm and the playground, Austin passed out.

Here is her post on it: http://timeswiththetaylors.blogspot.com/2014_03_01_archive.html

Other photos from January

Fixin' - his new favorite activity

This totally shows his personality. No, he won't let me cut up his apples.

He is practicing writing his letters: A, a o, d, and p

While making dinner one night, I opened the cheese and turned around to get the grater. This is what I found...

He loves playing with playdough!