Dear Baby

This is personal, but I felt like I needed to post it. I wrote it more for myself.

April 15, 2013

Today, I woke up, and showered not knowing what the day would hold. All that quickly changed when I noticed I was bleeding. Now, we all know that this type of bleeding isn't normal. I instantly became worried and then sad. I just knew what the problem was.

We loaded in the car, Austin with his blanket and all, ready to go to the hospital. Brandon gave me a hug and asked if I was ok. I told him I was, but really I wasn't.

It seemed like we were at the hospital forever, but yet so quickly. I went back for an ultrasound and the tech didn't say anything at all. I just wanted to know.

After going back to the room in the E.R. for about 20 minutes the doctor came in and told us the news. I knew, I just knew that I was going to hear that, yet I hoped I didn't. Does that make sense?

No sign of life. No baby. I went into the bathroom to change. For some reason I just needed to be alone and take it all in. Brandon was waiting for me so I didn't take long. When I walked out, he hugged me and I just couldn't hold it in. Poor Austin had no idea what was going on, just that his mommy was sad.

We all sat down on the bed, Brandon holding Austin and his other arm around me. I am grateful he was with me. He told Austin that Mommy wouldn't be having a baby anymore. That hurt! To hear it so plain and simple like that. I know that it is the truth but yet, still.

I thought that I was in the clear miscarriage wise. I mean I was 14 weeks and 5 days. I had heard the heartbeat just 2 1/2 weeks before. Yet, it had happened.

Spontaneous abortion - that is the technical name for it.

For now, my heart is heavy but I can go on. It will take some time, of course, but I will go on. We were all playing on the bed today, laughing and having a wonderful time. My first thought was "I can make it through this if I just have my man and my boy."