Eternal Connection

Brandon was able to take work off on Monday, but he is switching jobs next week and he felt like he needed to be there so he went back on
Tuesday. Before he left he gave me a blessing.

I had been doing okay, but it was definitely something I needed. It was
mainly about the fact that there is more to this mortal life and about the plan
of salvation. If you would like more information about the church click here.

Now, I have grown up in the church and have heard all this stuff before.
However, there are times when certain aspects hit you more than other times.
The Lord knew what I needed to hear right then and there. Ever since then, I
have been doing so much better.

There was a talk
that was given last General Conference that keeps coming into my head. Elder
Dallin H. Oaks gave the talk. It said: "We are all under the Savior’s
command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and
defenseless." Even though I will not be able to care for and raise this
baby right now, we still have Austin. Everything will be okay as long as we
love and care for the one sweet child that we have right now.

Also, I went to the doctor's Tuesday and was told very similar things from
the day before at the hospital. That it wasn't my fault. That there was no way
to see it coming. That even he was shocked because it was after 12 weeks, and
everything looked fine a few weeks ago. That there was something wrong and so
my body is taking care of it. I guess the fact that he is my doctor made it all
easier to hear. I am grateful that Brandon and I went back to him. We had a
great experience with Austin's birth but now I hope that he accepts all future
insurances we may have.

So many people don't understand what it is like, but there are those that do. We have been touched by the sweet words of comfort from those that have been there, and even just "I'm sorry" that others have shared with us. I am especially grateful for my students. They are all so worried about how I am doing, and touched by this loss, even though they haven't seen me since it happened and are 8 years old on average.

Dear Baby

This is personal, but I felt like I needed to post it. I wrote it more for myself.

April 15, 2013

Today, I woke up, and showered not knowing what the day would hold. All that quickly changed when I noticed I was bleeding. Now, we all know that this type of bleeding isn't normal. I instantly became worried and then sad. I just knew what the problem was.

We loaded in the car, Austin with his blanket and all, ready to go to the hospital. Brandon gave me a hug and asked if I was ok. I told him I was, but really I wasn't.

It seemed like we were at the hospital forever, but yet so quickly. I went back for an ultrasound and the tech didn't say anything at all. I just wanted to know.

After going back to the room in the E.R. for about 20 minutes the doctor came in and told us the news. I knew, I just knew that I was going to hear that, yet I hoped I didn't. Does that make sense?

No sign of life. No baby. I went into the bathroom to change. For some reason I just needed to be alone and take it all in. Brandon was waiting for me so I didn't take long. When I walked out, he hugged me and I just couldn't hold it in. Poor Austin had no idea what was going on, just that his mommy was sad.

We all sat down on the bed, Brandon holding Austin and his other arm around me. I am grateful he was with me. He told Austin that Mommy wouldn't be having a baby anymore. That hurt! To hear it so plain and simple like that. I know that it is the truth but yet, still.

I thought that I was in the clear miscarriage wise. I mean I was 14 weeks and 5 days. I had heard the heartbeat just 2 1/2 weeks before. Yet, it had happened.

Spontaneous abortion - that is the technical name for it.

For now, my heart is heavy but I can go on. It will take some time, of course, but I will go on. We were all playing on the bed today, laughing and having a wonderful time. My first thought was "I can make it through this if I just have my man and my boy."