Trials

Now, I am not writing this post for your pity. I am writing it because I feel like I need to share. Last April, almost a year ago today, we lost our first baby. Many of you knew about this. We had just announced it a week before, and then to lose what we want so much was hard.

You might be wondering why I am bring this up. Well, we have lost two more. It is hard to share something that is so very personal and emotional for us. This righteous desire that we have for some reason isn't happening. After three miscarriages, I am very high risk for more. I think that is what has made it even harder.

All three were lost at different times, 14.5 weeks, 6 weeks, and 9.5 weeks. The last one was in January. Brandon and I have been on an emotional roller coaster for a year. My trip to Washington was planned very shortly after the last one. He never told me this, but I think he wanted me to go right away was to get away from all that I was going through, and to be with my mom. I am the type of person that when I am sick or really sad, I just want my mom to hug me. He knows that and sent me to her. I love that man so much more everyday.

I was tested at length for all sorts of things. I don't even know what they all were. They came back and told me to take lots of extra folic acid a day and a baby aspirin. I never asked why. After the second, my wonderful doctor put me on progesterone at the highest level I can take.

For a long time, I didn't talk about it. I was bitter. I was angry. I was also confused. With Austin, we had absolutely no problems conceiving him and there was no complications (other than his birth). Now, this time, I can't seem to stay pregnant.

I was to a point where I hated hearing from friends that they were pregnant. I hated going to baby showers. I didn't even want to hold someone's baby for them, which I have always loved.

Then, General Conference came. I was listening to it Sunday morning when the first talk was from President Uchtdorf. This talk struck me to the core. I was grateful that Austin and Brandon were downstairs watching. I had tears streaming down my face. I felt like I was the only person that was listening to that talk, that it was just for me. Everything he said applied to me at that moment. I was in tremendous grief, and I thought I was fine. However, while listening to the talk I realized how much I had been fooling myself. I felt like my world was falling apart.

After listening to this talk, I reflected again and again on it over the next few days. I had taken notes on it and I just kept adding. After a few days, I made a resolution that I would focus on what I am grateful for and about instead of what I am lacking.

My whole attitude changed. Yes, I still am saddened by the miscarriages, but I am ever more grateful for the sweet, loving boy that we do have. I am even grateful for this trial that we are experiencing together. I am grateful for how strong it has made me, for my sense of compassion for others has increased. I never really understood what those couples that face infertility feel until this year came. I am grateful for my husband, who even though it has been hard on, has stuck with me and still loves me. I am grateful for those pregnancies, even though they didn't last. I am grateful I was able to be their mom for a little bit. I am grateful that I have ultrasound pictures of the first and the last one to hold on to, and look at when I am ready. I am grateful for the gospel in my life, and the knowledge that I have about life after death. I am grateful that this talk was shared when it was.

Life throws us curve balls, some bigger than others. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that everything has a plan, purpose, and reason. We may not understand it yet.

Here is the talk that was given:

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